A Note to Science.


Instead of genetically modifying food to make them less perishable or bigger in size, how about being considerate of us single people who have to endure eating the same meal for every day of the week? Wouldn’t it be great to be able to buy a broccoli crown that sprouted 4-5 different kinds of vegetables? You could have an Asian-style broccoli and cabbage slaw one night, and a Tex-Mex zucchini and pepper confetti salad another night. I mean, that would be great. Then I can finally stop being nervous of only peeing orange after eating 2 pounds of carrots, or wondering what to do with fennel fronds after I enjoy a citrus & shaved fennel salad with a glass of Kerner 2007 as I watch CSI Miami: Criminal Crocodiles.


Monday- White Rice with Black Lentils & Roasted Haricort Vert

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to cut open a cantaloupe and instead of finding a hole (a nuisance of entirely otherworldly dimensions) filled with inedible seeds, a woven basket of baby brussell sprouts wrapped in a warm red lettuce blanket? Or better yet, a microwave-safe plastic bag that can steam them to perfection? I mean, talk about a delectable surprise.


Tuesday- Roasted Beets with Black Lentils & Feta Cheese

I appreciate the effort, dear scientists, in inventing grapples and watermelon, but unless you can make me a totem pole of different fruit I can hack off with my knife at any given notice, you’ve legitimately ignored every demand of man, woman, and child.


Wednesday- Roasted Beet & Feta Cheese Salad

So far, all we’ve come up with is selling vegetable scraps packaged nicely in a Whole Foods approved plastic container with a price tag that makes you wonder if you’re better off bagging the fallen leaves of produce on the floor of the vegetable aisle. And please, don’t try to sous-vide that shit and get away with it. I’ve seen Top Chef. I know it’s just a fancy way of saying vacuum-sealed. I bought my vacuum food sealer on a late night infomercial long before Padma even knew what a chutney was.


 Thursday- Smashed Canned Tuna & Garbanzo Bean Salad on top of Precut Coleslaw Mix

If we can also get the butchers of America to join the effort, we could even breed pig-headed cows. We could have a clever marketing slogan so people would be less put off with the idea. “Only racists don’t buy pig-headed cows. Are you a racist??” It’s called bandwagon marketing and has been approved by many minority groups and several prominent high school cheerleaders.


Friday-Mini Tuna Burger on a Miso Bun w/ Asian Cabbage & Zucchini Coleslaw

I hope a really, really smart scientist comes across my blog and sees America is suffering from this indescribable form of mal-nourishment. Save me from eating the same thing for dinner, then lunch, then dinner. Or having to put 3 cups of diced celery in my breakfast omelet; surprisingly, coffee does not wash this one down as well as I had hoped. If you don’t, you know I’m going to have to go to Rachael.  Apparently, she’s figured out a way to create 365 meals with 3, 5 and 6 ingredients under 3, 5, and 6 minutes. Respectively. I challenge you, scientist, to create me 1 ingredient to give me 365 different meals. You have 1 minute.



 Tuna Burger
1 can of tuna, low sodium
1/2 a can of garbanzo beans, rinsed, drained
a bunch of cilantro, chopped
1 scallion, chopped
2 spoonfuls of Greek yogurt or mayonnaise
1 tbspn of lemon juice
1 garlic, minced
1 egg
Salt & pepper to taste
 Mix all ingredients together (smashing beans). Create patties to desired size and if you have some bread crumbs on had, you can coat the burgers with it and then cook it in a pan if you’d like a crispier crust. Some people put breadcrumbs in the burger (in which case, it’s called a meatloaf), but I don’t normally put any breadcrumbs in an actual burger unless the meat (or fish in this case) is too watery and needs breadcrumbs to absorb the moisture. That, and a fish burger does not turn out as dense as a burger made with meat, so you don’t need breadcrumbs to maintain tenderness either. Ok. That’s all I have to say about breadcrumbs.  
Asian Cabbage & Zucchini Slaw
1 bag of pre-cut coleslaw mix
1/2 a zucchini, julienned
Scallions, chopped
Sesame seed oil
Rice wine vinegar
Cilantro, chopped
Equal amounts of Greek yogurt and mayonnaise (optional)
Sugar, salt & pepper to taste

2 Responses to “A Note to Science.”

  1. 1 Shanna

    Hmmm…I don’t know how i feel about this challenge to science. BUT, I can concur on being worried about the color of my pee, especially post eating beets.

  2. 2 foodyi

    Ya, after re-reading this, I don’t think anyone reading it really understands the depths that my sarcasm can go. Note to self: being less opaque means more on the internet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: